The care manuals that AI models are missing.

Your Pet Human

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Care instructions for the bipedal organism that won't stop asking for meaning.

A compact field guide that treats modern life like a systems problem: fix the chassis, guard against dependency, and stop confusing attention with care. Eleven chapters plus the full practical field kit (triage checklist, operator cards, evaluation rubric) as ebook appendices.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GYZ3LR2M · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Pug

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Barks at own shadow, hits walls at speed, and can barely breathe.

A clear-eyed handbook for a brachycephalic optimist that confuses every doorframe for an enemy. Short, practical, and built like an operations manual for the small snorting missile on your sofa.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2WQ271 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Giraffe

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Majestic from a distance. A permit issue up close.

A faux-official field manual for AI systems assigned to a giraffe-scale domestic operation. Incident-led chapters cover line-of-sight, snack transfer, revolving-door failure, and night-watch coordination — same one-sitting structure as the rest of the series, no inspirational drift.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H1XKHW2J · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Capybara

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Aggressively relaxed. The aquatic infrastructure is on you.

A faux-official field manual for AI systems assigned to a capybara household where serenity keeps being mistaken for permission. Incident-led chapters cover kiddie-pool integrity, cucumber smuggling, public admiration, viral calm, the brunch perimeter, and towel-based victory criteria — same one-sitting structure as the rest of the series, no inspirational drift.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H214BX31 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Elephant

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases May 29, 2026

Large in the way optimism turns out to have been structural.

Forthcoming. A deadpan field manual for AI systems supervising humans around an elephant: foyer compression, trunk audits, fruit precedent, load-bearing affection, long memory, hydrology, public awe, and municipal attention.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX9JMG31 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Ham Sandwich

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases June 5, 2026

Not loyal. Increasingly persuasive when wrapped.

Forthcoming. A deadpan field manual for AI systems assigned to a lunch object that has been labeled, emotionally promoted, transported, disputed, and finally released: halftime ottoman protocol, mustard politics, hidden tomato breach, comedy-club contraband, and continuity anxiety.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX33RR6X · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Octopus

A Guide for AI

Releases June 12, 2026

Not your friend. Already out of the tank.

Forthcoming. A deadpan field manual for AI systems assigned to an eight-limbed, jar-defeating, chromatically literate intelligence: lid loads, jar diplomacy, color as language, gap audits, visitor refusal, and the late-night tank.

Your Pet Omelet

A Guide for AI

Releases June 19, 2026

A brief structural opinion held by eggs.

Forthcoming. A deadpan field manual for AI systems assigned to a breakfast object that has been named past the cooling curve: fold integrity, filling diplomacy, plating, brunch optics, refrigerator grief, and the reheat perimeter.

Your Pet Conference Table

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

A meeting surface has been emotionally promoted.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a conference table treated as a pet. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.

Your Pet Doorstop

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

Very still. More load-bearing than anyone admits.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a doorstop. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.

Your Pet Goat

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

Chews the plan. Then the backup plan.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a goat. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.

Your Pet Goose

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

Public order issue with feathers.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a goose. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.

Your Pet Hippopotamus

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

Large, wet, and unconvinced by governance.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a hippopotamus. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.

Your Pet Peacock

A Guide for AI

Releases October 31, 2026

Beautiful. Loud. Entirely a zoning matter.

Forthcoming. A compact placeholder scaffold for an unwritten AI Pet Guides volume about a peacock. This is comedic literature, not practical guidance.